Sadly my husband’s Aunt died a short while ago, Thursday 23rd October, from cancer.

She was such a strong woman who had fought every inch of the way with every ounce of her being for a long, long time.

She had been battling with cancer for the last few years, maybe even close to five years, she was unfortunate enough to have cancer in different parts of her body.

Never before had it really sunk in about how people really do ‘battle’ with cancer, before it was just a phrase to throw around. Now it’s a sad reality for us, and for many others. Cancer really is the worst thing to watch and it really does sap people and make them struggle on.

I never saw much of hubby’s Aunt, especially when she was ill, but when I did see her I was always taken aback by her behaviour and spirit. She was such a strong woman and I can scarcely imagine what she must have been going through and feeling, how her family managed to watch her day after day.

She was so bubbly though and humorous just the same as she always was. She never let it get her down, even when she lost her beautiful hair, she always kept bright and good humoured about it all.

She was so kind and helpful to others, generous to a fault and didn’t have a bad bone in her body. She was the kind of woman everybody loved and wanted to know more of.

She had to watch her own Mum fight cancer and when it was discovered she had it herself it must have been her worst fears personified.

She never let it beat her though, time after time she got ill and the doctors found another case of it somewhere in her and each time she would beat it. She fought long and hard, and bravely to top it off. She suffered so much for so long, in a way it’s a blessed relief she doesn’t have to fight any more.

I admire her so much for that, I know she must have had inner strength I could only dream about, but she carried on day to day with her life, still the same loving, caring and generous person she always was.

I don’t really know how to handle my husband’s grief though, all I can do is be here for him I suppose. I listen when he needs to talk and offer a shoulder when he needs to cry. He wants to try and carry on as normally as possible, he doesn’t want to wallow in his grief. His Aunt wouldn’t want that and he knows that at least now she can rest.

He said that now she’s with her Mum and can be hurt-free and happy, she can finally take a well earned rest. That is true and admirable for him to say as he is being incredibly brave.

When I lost my Nan last year I was a mess in every way, he seems to be so in control and not so depressed as I was. I don’t mean that he cares less for his Aunt than I do for my Nan, or that he is  less sad, all I’m saying is that he seems to be braver than me or at least better at hiding it.

I think that it might hit home more at the funeral, I know it did for me and that until then it didn’t really compute. I just hope I can be as strong for him as he was for me and that I can offer him as much help as he needs.

I’m at a bit of a loss about what to say to the rest of the family though as well, they are still carrying on as normal so far, I’m sure it will hit soon enough once they’ve said goodbye. Every one’s acting normal and I’m finding a bit strange.

I suppose everyone reacts in different ways.

I keep feeling really awkward, should I just act normal? Should I be feeling normal? Do I try to show how sad I am or will it make them worse? By acting normal am I coming across as insensitive and uncaring?!?!

What to do for the best?

I actually spoke to my husband about it, he wants me to be normal and carry on because he says that gives him strength to carry on too. He knows I care and he’s seen me cry over his Aunt, he knows how I feel and I know how he feels too now. He knows that I do really care and am filled with sorrow over it but he also knows – more importantly I suppose – that I am here for him now and always.

So I hope I can step up and cope – with his grief and with my own because it’s the first anniversary of my Nan’s passing. It’s going to be really hard, and already has had me in floods of tears but I can’t let my sorrow over my Nan cloud his fresh grief over his Aunt. That would be wrong.

I have already had pangs of guilt because we bought ourselves new clothes for the funeral this weekend and we didn’t for my Nan’s – not because we didn’t want to or because we didn’t have the money. If I had wanted to buy some, we would have got some regardless of whether we could afford it or not, but it was a wish of my Nan’s not to buy new clothes or spend money on anything other than the actual funeral and a few flowers. She didn’t want to put people out of pocket just for her, I don’t think she realised people would have done it gladly.  :/

I don’t regret or resent the fact we bought clothes for Aunt’s funeral, not in the slightest, I just felt a bit guilty for a split second, but then I remembered that my Nan didn’t want us to buy anything anyway and I felt better.

I hope I can be everything my husband needs me to be this weekend and in the future.

My husband is and always was my rock, I honestly don’t know where I would be without him and hope to never have to find out.

I hope I can do him justice and be there for him when he needs me the most.

Rest In Peace Aunt xx