I’m quite new to blogging and even though I’ve had this blog for nearly a year now it’s not exactly full!

This past year has been really busy and even though I keep intending to blog, I put it off and do something else instead. So my (early!!) New Year’s resolution is to try and blog more, my head is full of stuff and I regularly think “Ooh, I could blog that!” but I never actually do.

So I’m going to make a concentrated effort to change and also to change other things in my life, most are more important than blogging and require a lot of mental strength to change, but I am going to try.

As they say: “Old habits die hard”; but hopefully not too hard.

Thanks for stopping by, and I’m really grateful if you decide to read my blog.

BarmyBiscuits

x

She was such a strong woman who had fought every inch of the way with every ounce of her being for a long, long time.

She had been battling with cancer for the last few years, maybe even close to five years, she was unfortunate enough to have cancer in different parts of her body.

Never before had it really sunk in about how people really do ‘battle’ with cancer, before it was just a phrase to throw around. Now it’s a sad reality for us, and for many others. Cancer really is the worst thing to watch and it really does sap people and make them struggle on.

I never saw much of hubby’s Aunt, especially when she was ill, but when I did see her I was always taken aback by her behaviour and spirit. She was such a strong woman and I can scarcely imagine what she must have been going through and feeling, how her family managed to watch her day after day.

She was so bubbly though and humorous just the same as she always was. She never let it get her down, even when she lost her beautiful hair, she always kept bright and good humoured about it all.

She was so kind and helpful to others, generous to a fault and didn’t have a bad bone in her body. She was the kind of woman everybody loved and wanted to know more of.

She had to watch her own Mum fight cancer and when it was discovered she had it herself it must have been her worst fears personified.

She never let it beat her though, time after time she got ill and the doctors found another case of it somewhere in her and each time she would beat it. She fought long and hard, and bravely to top it off. She suffered so much for so long, in a way it’s a blessed relief she doesn’t have to fight any more.

I admire her so much for that, I know she must have had inner strength I could only dream about, but she carried on day to day with her life, still the same loving, caring and generous person she always was.

I don’t really know how to handle my husband’s grief though, all I can do is be here for him I suppose. I listen when he needs to talk and offer a shoulder when he needs to cry. He wants to try and carry on as normally as possible, he doesn’t want to wallow in his grief. His Aunt wouldn’t want that and he knows that at least now she can rest.

He said that now she’s with her Mum and can be hurt-free and happy, she can finally take a well earned rest. That is true and admirable for him to say as he is being incredibly brave.

When I lost my Nan last year I was a mess in every way, he seems to be so in control and not so depressed as I was. I don’t mean that he cares less for his Aunt than I do for my Nan, or that he is  less sad, all I’m saying is that he seems to be braver than me or at least better at hiding it.

I think that it might hit home more at the funeral, I know it did for me and that until then it didn’t really compute. I just hope I can be as strong for him as he was for me and that I can offer him as much help as he needs.

I’m at a bit of a loss about what to say to the rest of the family though as well, they are still carrying on as normal so far, I’m sure it will hit soon enough once they’ve said goodbye. Every one’s acting normal and I’m finding a bit strange.

I suppose everyone reacts in different ways.

I keep feeling really awkward, should I just act normal? Should I be feeling normal? Do I try to show how sad I am or will it make them worse? By acting normal am I coming across as insensitive and uncaring?!?!

What to do for the best?

I actually spoke to my husband about it, he wants me to be normal and carry on because he says that gives him strength to carry on too. He knows I care and he’s seen me cry over his Aunt, he knows how I feel and I know how he feels too now. He knows that I do really care and am filled with sorrow over it but he also knows – more importantly I suppose – that I am here for him now and always.

So I hope I can step up and cope – with his grief and with my own because it’s the first anniversary of my Nan’s passing. It’s going to be really hard, and already has had me in floods of tears but I can’t let my sorrow over my Nan cloud his fresh grief over his Aunt. That would be wrong.

I have already had pangs of guilt because we bought ourselves new clothes for the funeral this weekend and we didn’t for my Nan’s – not because we didn’t want to or because we didn’t have the money. If I had wanted to buy some, we would have got some regardless of whether we could afford it or not, but it was a wish of my Nan’s not to buy new clothes or spend money on anything other than the actual funeral and a few flowers. She didn’t want to put people out of pocket just for her, I don’t think she realised people would have done it gladly.  :/

I don’t regret or resent the fact we bought clothes for Aunt’s funeral, not in the slightest, I just felt a bit guilty for a split second, but then I remembered that my Nan didn’t want us to buy anything anyway and I felt better.

I hope I can be everything my husband needs me to be this weekend and in the future.

My husband is and always was my rock, I honestly don’t know where I would be without him and hope to never have to find out.

I hope I can do him justice and be there for him when he needs me the most.

Rest In Peace Aunt xx

I still miss her loads and cry sometimes when I think of her or the things she’s missing. I suppose it’s natural, but it’s hard too.

To make matters worse, my husband has just lost his Aunt, to the dreaded cancer. Her funeral is Friday, the day after my Nan’s 1 year anniversary. :’(

I try to get on with my life and for the most part it works, things are so busy at the moment and have been for the past 12 months that I’m ashamed to say my Nan hasn’t been forefront of my mind. The only thing that gives me comfort and stops me feeling guilty over this is the fact that she wouldn’t want me to be moping around and apparently it’s ‘normal’ to get on with your life.

It still really hurts when I think about her and the things she used to do/say/like.

I have some things of hers, ornaments and vases, and some jewellery she left behind. Unfortunately some of the smaller ornaments have been chipped or damaged in some small way whilst in my care. I hate myself for letting it happen and actually had a moment or two of resentment towards the person who did the damage…. whether it was kitten or kid.

This too then filled me with regret and guilt, how could I feel that way towards the kitten or kids? What kind of parent feels that way towards their kids over an accident??

Then I had the guilt and sorrow of actually damaging the ornaments too, the feeling of complete despair and hatred towards myself for not safeguarding such precious things better. What’s the matter with me?? Why can’t I even look after a bloody ornament for God’s sake?!? Gggrrrrr…. Sorrow soon turned to anger, I had found even more reasons to hate myself, as if I didn’t give myself enough excuses already!

I’m so disappointed in myself! She left behind these things, things she had kept safe for years and I have them for a few months and ruin them. My husband says it’s just an accident and my Nan managed to keep them in such good condition because she didn’t had 5 kids running around everywhere… which is true, but I believe it’s really because she was a better woman than I and much better at housekeeping and controlling her kids!

A year on and it still hurts, not as often though now admittedly, but it hurts the same.

I still worry about how my Mum is coping, how much she must miss having her around and how lonely she might be now. I think I will probably always worry about those things.

I can’t believe it has gone by so quickly though, I almost forgot it was the anniversary! I would never have forgiven myself for that either.

I want to mark the day somehow, not sure yet what I will do though. I might light a candle for her, although that might sound a bit lame, but it’s the thought behind it that’s important. I don’t like candles – lit ones anyway – due to a house fire we had a few years ago, but it would be worth it to mark the day. I think I will light one for my hubby’s Aunt too.

I’ve been thinking about going back to church too, occasionally over the years it pops into my head and I wonder if I should go back, but then I make excuses and don’t bother. It’s a shame really because it would probably give me strength and peace. I don’t know yet, we’ll see.

Rest In Peace Nan, Always in my Heart and Mind.

The recent passing away of my Nanna has made me stop and think about quite a few different things in my life, things that have happened and are happening still.

I lost my Nan in November 2007, and it wasn’t until after she’d ‘gone’ that I realised I had missed out on so much without her in my life, and so had my kids.

We live quite a distance away from her, around 300 miles and four hours in the car to be more exact. Such a long way to go with five screaming kids in the car for a short weekend visit, much better to wait until we have a week off school and work to visit, so I thought.

Weeks turned into months and eventually months turned into years. Phone calls stopped, as did letters and before I knew it we were only sending birthday and Christmas cards, until those stopped too.

I’ve got plenty of time, there’s always next year. The kids can send her some photos and a letter through the post. We’ll visit next school holidays…

The list of excuses only got longer and more feeble. When I was younger and lived closer to my Nan, we went round every Sunday for dinner, all the family round the table together. My Nan always saved me a girl’s magazine every week and I couldn’t wait to read the next installment of the girl’s adventures. It was called ‘Bunty’ and she had been having it delivered every week since my Mum was a girl. She had it delivered especially for me.

My cousins never had it, never anything extra special for them. They often got told off by her too, occassionally had their legs smacked if they were naughty aswell. Not me though, never said an unkind word to me. I must have been naughty, but never got scolded once by her.

I used to sleep over sometimes too, in her giant king size bed, with blankets and quilts and frilly pillows as far as the eye could see! I used to snuggle up and she would sing me a lullaby until I fell asleep, she would always leave the door ajar and her special bedside reading lamp on too.

My cousins never got to sleep in her bed, nor did they have lullabys to send them off.

She used to make the best tasting currant flan known to man, and always let me eat more than anyone else. I was always allowed to eat extra currants when I went over too, straight from the special jar on the top shelf.

No-one else ever got any special treats, just me, not even my little sister!

I never realised at the time, but I was spoiled by her more than any of the other kids, and obviously loved a great deal.

Yet as I grew older, we moved away, far away and I was too young to travel by myself to see her.

A few years later she moved close by us and I was happy she was closer, but being a teenager by this time I had many more ‘important’ things going on in my life to see her very often. She may well have been still at the other end of the country, for all I saw her.

When I met my husband and moved away again, to the other side of the country, it didn’t seem such a big deal. Then the visits got fewer and the excuses grew.

We went to see her in August 2007, just for an hour or two, while we were staying at my Mum’s. We took all five kids, the baby being only 6 months old and the first time she saw him. It was also the last.

My third  and fourth children had only seen her once each too, until that day. Now they will never see her again, and neither will my baby.

She was SO happy that day, just for an hour. Seeing the kids and me, stuffing them full of packets of biscuits and juice, holding the baby and singing to him. She was so happy it broke my heart, and continues to do so now, knowing it was the last time she ever saw them.

It is with an incredibly heavy heart, full of anger, upset and regret that I realise the HUGE part of my life I will never get back and all the things I have missed out on by not seeing her more often.

More importantly, my kids have missed out on having a wonderful figure in their lives, and never will have now. They will never listen to her stories, or taste her currant flan. Never listen to her voice lull them to sleep or snuggle up tight in her cosy bed.

I will never hear her voice or see her smile, never listen to her moan about everything or learn about her most recent big win at bingo.

She is gone forever, laid to rest, and never will I ever get back those wasted years of my life where I could have gone to see her, could have picked up the phone, sent her a photo of the kids or just gone to sit with her and listen to her voice. Never again will I listen to her wise words, or smile to myself as she puts the world to rights.

She was a brave, strong woman, who cared deeply for her family and friends, loyal and hard-working and dealt with so much more than she should have done.

I never realised how much I love and admire her, and how mcuh I will miss her presence.

I am filled with regret that I never gave her the chance to spend time with me and my kids, let her share our lives. I will eternally hate myself for leaving her on the outside of my life and making her feel like she wasn’t wanted or needed. I will never forgive myself and I just hope she could forgive me and understand.

I hope that she’s happy where she is and having a well-earned rest. I hope she’s not angry with me and I hope that she still loves me. I hope that she doesn’t hate me for holding her at arms length, however unintentional it was on my part. I hope she doesn’t hate me for denying her her great-grandchildren, her only great-grandchildren. I hope I see her again someday, and that she welcomes me with loving arms.

I hope she knew that I love her.

I’m sorry Nanna, I loved you then and still do now. I’m so sorry.

The decision is to be sterilised. My husband and I have talked about it for years but now I’ve actually got to have it done.

I went to the hospital yesterday to speak to the consultant, who has put me on the waiting list, now it’s just a matter of time until it’s done. It could be as soon as two weeks, but no longer than eight weeks he said. I’m not sure whether to be happy or sad.

I already have five children, and no time for myself or husband, but I am a ‘motherly’ person who gets broody quite easily and my heart softens very easily. I only have to see a baby or even a cute puppy or kitten and I melt. I love to watch the animal rescue programmes and my eyes well up every time I see an advert about poor children or animals in need.

The trouble is, already having five children is a big commitment and a big strain. I love my children more than life itself, but I would love some time to myself for a change. My husband and I never get time alone or get to go out anywhere, we’re always tired and stressed out and I’m scared that I’m losing sight of who I am and losing my husband too. I don’t want to get to the point where our kids have all flown the nest and I realise that ‘I’ as a person have completely vanished and my relationship with my husband has only been based on our joint love and commitment for our children.

I want to rediscover myself already having ‘lost’ part of who I am, because I’ve literally given up everything I was for my children. I want to be the happy, passionate, confident and sponteneous woman my husband fell in love with. At the moment I just spend too much time feeling tired, stressed and like everything’s too much to bear.

My youngest is still a baby and so sleepless nights don’t really help, but also having no ‘spare’ money to go out places with is also an issue. We also struggle to get anyone to babysit so there’s no chance of us going out even if we do have the money.

Sometimes I can’t wait for my children to grow up and be more independent, allowing me more ‘freedom’ to do what I like. Although then I just feel guilty for feeling that way and like I’m a bad Mum. Then I realise how selfish that is and how really, if I could choose, I’d keep my children young for as long as possible.

I know you’re thinking that I must have some time to myself, as I’ve managed to write this. What you don’t realise is that it has taken me a week to just get to this point and I usually have a few children crawling on me and ‘helping’ me type!

I would just love the chance to rediscover ‘life’ again. I love to read and to swim, yet I never get chance to start a book and haven’t swam in years. It isn’t because of the children and I don’t blame them at all, it’s just I’d rather put them first because they need to be the center of my universe. When they are older and turning into adults, they may need me slightly less which makes me sad and happy at the same time. I secretley hope they will always need me and want me around!

I will be sad when my children are grown and don’t need me so much any more, all my life is dedicated to them and the thought of being sterilised just makes me wonder what I will do once they have all left. What will I do with my time? Then there will only be me and my husband, will we still know each other and will he still love me the same?

I am also worried about the actual operation itself, although it is a common one, I have a fear of being ‘put to sleep’ under general anaesthetic, as I’m afraid I might never wake and see my husband and children again. This worries me a lot and makes me very upset. Irrational or not, I know I will be struggling with it and be in tears right up to the last few seconds as they count down while I go to sleep.

My confused feelings probably root from my own insecurities. On one hand I worry who I will be once the children are gone, on the other I can’t wait to find out!

I want to live my life the way I want to, not have to worry about the children and working around them. I want to see new places and experience new things. I want to rediscover my husband and see the world together, I want to be able to have a meal for two and have a long hot bath with no interruptions!

I would also love to work full time and have a career rather than ‘just a job’. I would love to go to bed late and get up early, still feeling refreshed because I’ve had a full night’s sleep! I would love to watch and hear a film or programme from start to finish with no interruptions. I would love to be able to go and have my hair done without taking five moaning kids along with me and to be able to give my husband a surprise weekend away at the drop of a hat.

So you see, this is why it’s a hard decision, there are so many things I look forward to being able to do once the children are grown up, but on the other side I know once they don’t need me any more I will feel sad and I don’t want to feel like that!

I have a relative, who is ten years older than me and has just had her seventh child, she has never worked and never has any intention of working, she has no zing to her at all and says she will continue to have more babies until she physically can’t.

I will miss having babies around, but not so much that I want to end up like her, endlessly having babies to fill a gap. She has no money, no life and she doesn’t know who she is or even who her husband is any more. They live for the children and stay together for them and that’s it. She has no hobbies or interests, no ambition. You’d be forgiven for thinking that she’s content, but she isn’t. She hates her life and her husband and feels like she’s been ‘done wrong’.

I, on the other hand, am different. I love my husband deeply, and my life too, I just want it to naturally evolve as the children grow and be happier with who I am then. I have hobbies and ambition and am just waiting for the right time to let these things fly.

I am worried about how I will feel as they grow, knowing I can never have any more will be a struggle at times I think. I’ve always said I will be sterilised and still wish to be so, but it doesn’t stop the niggles at the back of my mind about how I will cope with the feelings of broodiness and wonder whether I really will long for more babies.

I suppose by that time, I will be too busy enjoying my new stage of life to really long for another baby, although the broody feeling will always flit in and out of my life, like it does for most women.

I think that maybe I’m just a bit scared of the actual finality of it, making any sort of final decision which will affect the rest of your life is pretty daunting, needing careful consideration. Although, after writing this down I do feel more content with my decision and realise it really is the right one for me.

I’ve spent the last twelve years being self-less and still have many more years of it to come, I will enjoy everyone of them but also look forward to the time when I can start to be selfish for a change!

I don’t think that it is selfish and I hope others will see it the same way, although it really isn’t up to anyone else how I live my life their opinions do affect me in some ways, whether I want them to or not.

So I have made my decision, although it was difficult at times and maybe again in the future, I just hope I never live to regret it.

I will be sterilised and will continue to love my children and husband eternally, whether they need me or not.

What if no-one reads it? What if they read it and don’t like it?

My biggest fear – and hurdle – is putting myself out there.

Like a lot of other people I have low self-esteem and hardly any confidence, having kids has just made me worse because over the years I’ve used them as an excuse as to why I haven’t gone out socialising or joining new groups etc.

I always think I can’t leave the kids, or There isn’t anyone to babysit, and We can’t really afford it, we should spend the money on the kids instead.

When really I haven’t even asked anyone to babysit, the kids would cope quite alright with me gone for an hour or two and if I really wanted to, we could afford it.

I seem to spend most of my life making excuses to avoid putting myself out on a limb, purely because I’m so scared no-one will like me and I won’t make any friends!

I’m so shy and nervous when I do go out I either come across as ignorant or boring!! When really I’m neither.

So I’ve decided to make tiny steps into beating my own fear, by trying to meet new friends online, its easier to take rejection through a screen than face-to-face!

I’m so tired of living like a recluse lol and because I don’t want my kids to grow up the same, I’ve decided to take a chance, it may be a small one, but it’s still a chance!

I used to be overflowing with confidence, but past experiences and problems soon knocked that on the head, how on earth I managed to pluck up the courage to speak to my future hubby I’ll never know lol, but I managed it and now I’m so glad I did. So it just shows that if I do take a chance occassionally, and put myself out there, I might actually get something good out of it!

So here I am, putting myself out there, and hoping I find something good!